The more that I think about it, the more that I've come to realization that I'm afraid of "love". I'm afraid to give my heart to someone and just... just watch him control it and take advantage of it and ultimately hurt me in the end. I'm scared of repeating my past and watching myself crumble on the inside because of one guy.
I just can't do that to myself... again.
I know that in some ways, I'm wrong for being so scared to love because of my past relationship but I have difficulty letting go of the pain that I've once experienced. The unhappiness that dwelled in me and consumed me for months is like a rash that you just can't rid of.
I don't want to get into a relationship anytime soon. I can't put myself into a position where I become vulnerable because it scares the shit out of me. To be in a relationship, there's so much more that comes along with it and each and every one of those things terrifies me more.
Being dependent, clingy, and needy are things that I just can't help.
Having to meet his standards; looking good for dates.
His emotions and events merging into mines.
And later, being i n t i m a t e.
Those are just some of the extra baggage of being in a relationship with a guy and I'm completely terrified of all of that. Commitment isn't a problem; if I like someone, I'm pretty much set on only that person. The problem is meeting the expectations of a relationship. The pressure is too intense for me to handle and as pussy as it is, I run away from it.
I'm running away from the idea of being in a relationship. Dating to me is completely fine since it's just going out on dates and there's no labels or expectations or anything. It's just two people who have feelings with one another spending time together. That, that's what I want.
I want to date for a couple of months or maybe a year before going into a relationship.
I want to be able to hold hands with him and cuddle in the theaters.
I want to kiss someone and stop halfway to smile.
I want to know that he loves me.
and mostly, I want everything to happen naturally.
It's not that I don't believe in love; I do but the "love" that I had in the past ruined my perception of this amazing unexplainable feeling that millions of people have daily. Maybe I don't truly what it means to love a person other than my family or how it feels like to be loved.
When someone hurts you enough, you become afraid that everybody else is going to do the same.
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